Mark Feigenson

2011-10-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

Elizabeth Warren, rising.

2011-09-28T17:36:00.009-04:00

I generally can't stand the battle that always seems to rage between good and evil (or democratic and republican or however you look at it) but you absolutely have to watch this video of Elizabeth Warren. I don't know how anyone, including fuckheads like Rush Limbaugh, don't see the crystal clear fairness of this. Watch it here.

FiOS line, by FEiGENSON

2011-08-17T00:50:00.004-04:00

You may have seen (or been annoyed by) the line "FiOS, A NETWORK AHEAD" in about a bazillion places over the last few months. TV, Print, Web, I even saw a freakin' Cessna 5,000 feet in the air dragging a huge banner with those very words. I wrote it (along with about 375 other Verizon lines) when I worked at McGarryBowen in 2010. Then I left. Then Verizon bought it. Funny how that works. It's my fourth 'famous' tagline in this thing I'll call a career. Maybe I'll dig up the others and post 'em. Maybe you'll remember being annoyed by those too.

Have you even heard the word 'blog' lately?

2011-08-03T23:15:00.005-04:00

It's been a while. 11 months actually. I used to post on this thing fairly frequently, then less frequently, then never. But then, as Facebook and Twitter have taken over the world, blogs have become so two years ago. I will say though, yesterday I snooped through some older entries I wrote and I miss the useless entertainment. Unfortunately, a lot of the older links are no longer valid, and I don't have the time or patience to go in and re-route them. Anyway, here's a pic of a recent acquisition, and one of the many things I've been busy with in the past year; 17 inches of beautiful, sexy, two-toned tin. You will not see another one of these 50-year-old cream puffs for a long time. Maybe not even until my next post.

Droid2, in stores now.

2010-09-01T23:31:00.005-04:00

A nice little spot I wrote that'll run in the Verizon stores until it's outed by whatever's next.

Holy S*%t

2010-02-23T00:00:00.004-05:00

I guess I've always been a closet James Cameron fan, I really don't know. I thought Terminator (well, T1 & T2) were just terrific. And Titanic was not exactly a bad movie if you have a pulse and even the tiniest place in your heart for history. My expectations for Avatar were low, even with all the hype. But it turned out to be one of the most exciting, most moving movies I've seen in recent memory. Okay, the story itself is pretty tired, but who cares? Most pop music uses the same four annoying chords, and people still get all goo goo ga ga over new songs. Would you have wanted some complex, convoluted plotline like in Lost or Twin Peaks? Half the people who watched them never understood what the fuck was going on. For a movie that was marketed to the masses, it's hard to argue with Avatar. The story was genuine, it had more than its share of unique twists, and the effects and realism were beyond phenomenal. I found myself talking about the movie for days afterwards, and while I'm not going to go kill myself (as someone who saw the movie actually did) it is indeed a place I would want to visit and maybe never come back. I can't recommend this movie enough.

Failblog.org

2010-01-19T15:39:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite web sites.

Another 'disproportionate' Israeli response.

2010-01-18T20:49:00.010-05:00

For some reason, people have difficulty comprehending why Israel uses overwhelming force to defend itself from rocket-firing terrorists who shoot at Israeli civilians from behind women and children.

Yet, those same people are all quiet when Israel, one of the world's smallest countries, sends a massive and radically disproportional amount of aid to another country, say Haiti. My guess is that Jews understand the sanctity of life, even if it's not their own. U.N., are you paying attention? I'm going to remind you of this next time Israel picks off another lovely bunch of militants and you condemn it.

hahahahahahhahahahhahahahha

2009-10-07T11:24:00.002-04:00

Morons.

Finally, something positive about HIV.

2009-09-24T08:09:00.007-04:00

I think it's fair to say that there are not enough good things happening in the world these days, what with two U.S. wars going on, a shit-ton of people out of work, and the GOP fringe wreaking even more havoc than usual. But this article is something I've been waiting to see for more than 15 years.

Wait... wait... wait... Yep, still a douchebag.

2009-09-15T09:45:00.001-04:00

Douchebag.

2009-09-14T23:48:00.000-04:00

Ted Kennedy. 1932-2009

2009-08-26T17:16:00.002-04:00

Bill accomplishes more in one day than Bush did in 8 years.

2009-08-04T16:03:00.003-04:00

I think Barack Obama may end up being a great president, if the GOP stops pecking away at him, but he's got big shoes to fill. And I don't mean Dubya's. I heard Bill Clinton speak at a fundraiser back in January, and this story reminds me of why he is such an inspiring person and role model. Except for when he got that blowjob. So he's not perfect. I read elsewhere that Laura Ling and Euna Lee got to travel back to the U.S. in Bill Clinton's private jet. Mathematically, I believe that is the exact opposite of rotting away in a North Korean prison. How can you not love Bubba?

It's official

2009-07-08T11:15:00.001-04:00

If I get one more crappy email from Classmates.com, I may just kill myself.

2009-06-28T13:52:00.003-04:00

OMG. What's in the freakin' water this week? Why is everyone dying?

The off-road vehicle that's finally off the road.

2009-06-28T13:10:00.008-04:00

My dad bought a 1994 Jeep in 1996. It ran cheerfully for 10 full years, despite the fact that it wasn't in great shape when he got it. But between him and his employees, it was truly run into the ground. It ended with somewhere around 250,000 miles on it. That's about the distance to the Moon, and twice the distance any American car is designed to go without being attached to a tow truck. I'm not sure there was even one mile left on this poor thing. And I can't imagine it was good for anything other than scrap metal. And yet, some dealership somewhere took it in trade towards another car! God bless 'em. Of course, over the years, the things that really needed to get fixed got fixed, and the things that really didn't need to get fixed, er, really didn't get fixed. My dad kept a partial list of those things as they piled up. And here they are for your entertainment. For the record, two of the 'items' that don't appear to have made the list are the somehow-permanent layer of crust on the dashboard that was both sticky and dusty at the same time, if that's possible. As well as the deep, dark layer of goop sprouting from every cup holder, which we believe is a unique combination of ashes, coffee, and decomposing toll receipts. What would I have to do to put you in this pre-owned beauty today?

2009-06-25T13:17:00.005-04:00

Well, well. Ain't Mark Sanford the luckiest man on the planet.

Don't cry for him, Argentina.

2009-06-24T16:10:00.021-04:00

So much for Mark Sanford's run in 2012. Maybe that's what got lost on the Appalachian trail. Jesus, what IS it with these guys?

I like to hold 'em right about here.

2009-06-23T10:23:00.004-04:00

The fraudulent election in Iran is news. Ed McMahon's death is news. Another half dozen American soldiers killed is news. Jon and Kate's divorce kind of... isn't. And yet, it's one of the top stories on msnbc. Ahh, but it's all about the clickthrough.

2009-04-15T22:15:00.006-04:00

I can't stand American Idol (called Britain's Got Talent in, er, Britain) but I'm gonna bet that when they coined the phrase 'don't judge a book by its cover', they had something like this in mind.

6th trip to Vegas / 2nd mini-trip to California.

2009-04-13T18:35:00.031-04:00

WHEN I TELL PEOPLE my brother lives in Las Vegas, they generally get a strange look on their face, as if they can't understand why anyone would want to live next to a casino. For the record, outside of the strip, Las Vegas basically looks like Boca Raton, with Palm trees everywhere and miles of modern highways separating shiny new gated communities with pools and southwestern style terra cotta roofs. Where they live, there are no casinos, no hookers, no neon lights, and no douchebags behaving badly at bachelor parties.

I was there last week for the 6th time. We took a little road trip to Palm Springs, California. It took about 5-6 hours each way in our ergonomically awkward silver minivan. I think it was a Chrysler Mediocre. Nice hotel. Good shopping. Great restaurants. My sister-in-law must have caught a bug and proceeded to line the walkway of our hotel room with not-quite-digested In-and-Out Burger. That's not an endorsement, either, by the way. We had to refill the oil in the car, and we did so simply by wringing out the top bun of one of the burgers. Anyway, I took around 200 pictures, mostly of my tiny niece discovering she actually has hands. Here's a few highlights from the trip.

Wean your toddler off of strained peas, and onto fast food
as soon as possible.

Greasy much? Vacation... or lubrication?

Hey, the cake says I'm 7, ok?.

The 'rents, after 46 years.

The Boy and I.

Sweet home Alabama

2009-04-12T21:55:00.028-04:00

I'm not going cruising off the coast of Somalia anytime soon, but I'd say this is the last time four guys in a rubber boat go up against the U.S. Navy. Man, there is just something so satisfying about seeing these goons get their ass kicked so deservedly. Fellow Somali pirates are of course being defiant and vowing retaliation for the killing of their 'colleagues' as they call them. As if it's okay to hold people hostage at gunpoint and demand millions in ransom. But with a 1,900-mile-long coastline, even 250 nuclear destroyers like the U.S.S. Bainbridge couldn't spread themselves thin enough to effectively stop these maggots. I'm curious to see what happens next. Welcome home, Captain.

No Bain, no gain

2009-04-02T00:40:00.008-04:00

Well, poor Bernie (literally) finally got his yacht and some other bare essentials taken away from him today. While I was crying over that, I found this great illustration, courtesy of the Associated Press. I just love this. Kinda reminds me of my first Manhattan apartment. Except I didn't have a 150-year lease. heh.

Got a[n L.E.D.] light?

2009-02-28T12:08:00.017-05:00

Electronic cigarettes are here. Well, they were here in 2004, but now they're readily available.

Since I have Obama coming out of every pore, it's the first piece of real news I've found in weeks.

In concept, I applaud the idea, though I doubt it will catch on in the U.S. It's a device that looks just like a cigarette, but has a mini spray-pump inside it that blasts a small amount of nicotine directly into your lungs, and some 'vapor' is released to simulate smoke. There's no 'actual' smoke. They are making cigar versions of the idea too.

Good news! Smokers can continue to kill themselves uninterrupted, without taking the rest of us with them.

The reasoning behind it is that you now won't have to inhale all the carcinogenic chemicals you normally get from burning tobacco. Just the tasty nicotine for the high. To add to the effect, there's a little red battery-powered light at the tip that is activated when you inhale. So it still looks like a lit cigarette to other people.

Or to you, if you like to smoke in front of a mirror.

If this thing takes off, it's good news for all of us second-hand smokers. I dream of the day I can walk down the sidewalk without breathing in the smoke from a dipshit in front of me who lights up.

It's good news for companies too, whose employees take advantage of those hard-earned 'smoker's rights' and cut down on productivity by abusing the 'cigarette break'. Now you can just smoke in your office!

And it's good news for people who don't like to die in fires. Fires started by lit cigarettes account for about 1,000 deaths every year in the U.S. alone. And about 250 of them are not even smokers.

But the real question is, what are all these people going to do after sex?

Comin' round the mountain... again.

2008-10-12T23:19:00.015-04:00

Here's a shorter, tighter version of my train film, because I know in my heart, you were just thinkin' to yourself, "when is Mark Feigenson going to release the shorter, tighter version of his train film?" Owing to my ever-increasing lack of technical skills, I can't seem to figure out how to change the video's url to the high-rez version, so you can see that high-rez version right here.

Vegas baby.

2008-09-06T12:05:00.001-04:00

This adorable little thing is my brand new niece, who I went out west to meet. Born on September 3rd, 2008. 7 pounds, 11 ounces, 19.75 inches long. Welcome to the world, Rachel.

Enough spitting on Mark Spitz

2008-08-15T22:00:00.019-04:00

We get it. Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmer alive.

I'll tell you what's been bothering me way more than the constant barrage of Phelps in our face. If I read one more story written by another cocky sportswriter who shits (shitz? heh) on Mark Spitz, I'm going to scream.

Where's the respect? The guy not only won seven gold medals in a single Olympic games: he broke world records in all seven of them. Phelps only broke world records in six consecutive races, though he did hit another world record in his eighth. (his .01 second win over the Serbian in his seventh race didn't break a world record.) Now I'm reading all these articles about how everyone thinks Spitz is a crybaby because he wasn't invited to Beijing. Maybe I'm being a crybaby now. But we can thank the media and the newfangled Internet for turning this into a commercialized frenzy. Did you notice how little the cameras focused on Phelps' teammates? So, what do they actually look like? Weren't their families there too?

You know what? Mark Spitz should have been invited, and deep down in your heart, you know I'm right. It is a failure of humanity and the pinheads in the IOC for sweeping this champion under the carpet and forgetting about him.

Is this how we'll treat Michael Phelps when the next champion comes along in a few years?

Whatever you believe, in 1972, Mark Spitz was Michael Phelps. With all the ranting and raving and oohing and ahhing that goes along with it.

In fact, Spitz actually dominated Olympic swimming from a win percentage even more than Phelps. So if there's one person who's earned the right to put those medals around this kid's neck, at least the 8th one, it's Mark Spitz.

I hear people saying that Mark Spitz' time has come and gone. And how history is progressing just fine without him. That's bullshit. It certainly would not have progressed just fine without him. We can thank Mark Spitz for much of the hoopla. He's the one who set the bar so damn high. If it wasn't for Mark Spitz, no one would be making a big deal about eight gold medals in a single Olympiad, because no one else on the planet has even earned seven.

Fine, Michael Phelps is a nice guy, and Mark Spitz was kind of an asshole to his teammates. So is Barry Bonds. Who cares? Barry Bonds isn't paid to be friendly. Spitz was a shitty TV actor, too. Really? So is Keanu Reeves. What's your point? And as for comments contending that Phelps would have crushed Spitz in a race if they competed together, that's another dumbass comparison made by countless dickhead sportswriters trying to sell papers and get hits. Any athlete today would outdo his earlier counterpart, if only because of improved nutrition, training, and equipment. Frankly, I always thought that Mike Tyson would have killed Mohammad Ali in the ring at his age, but there was a time when grace and skill counted for more than ear-biting and rape. But what do I know?

All I'm sayin' is, it's a travesty that Spitz wasn't invited to Beijing to partake in something no one has done since him in four decades. A little bit of humility would have gone a long way. Maybe even 100 meters.

Star-bucking the trend

2008-06-06T13:49:00.005-04:00

I just discovered the ING café on 49th Street, not far from my office. I'm used to being raped at Starbucks, to the point where I actually kind of miss it. For starters, when I gave the cashier a fiver, she gave me something I have never gotten from any Starbucks anywhere: change. They also charge the same for a large as they do for a medium. And you don't have to speak Starbucks fluently (as in 'grande' or 'venti'.) They understand me and even smile when I say crazy things like 'small' or 'medium.' There may yet be hope for the human race.

A few professional pictures

2008-03-17T22:46:00.003-04:00

My photographer friend came over a few weeks ago with a whole mess of equipment and a rather cute assistant. He took about 40 shots, and netted out two great ones. That might not sound like a stellar batting average, but when you see how well they came out, you'll realize why that doesn't matter. The video is coming sometime between Thursday and never. I'm still waiting for that director. You know how they can be. Anyway, here's what 22.5 megapixels and a guy with mad skills can do:

Train project, still chugging along.

2008-01-06T14:11:00.000-05:00

Parking meters and fat guy showed up. Here's some more pictures. One of my photographer friends is supposedly working with a real director to actually shoot a little movie of my train layout with professional equipment. You know, cameras, lenses, lighting, gaffers, booms. Frankly, I have no idea what a gaffer or a boom is, but I know directors use them. Anyway, here's a few new shots (with some of my own personal, crappy photo equipment) showing some progress.

"What do I have to do to put you in a new Mercedes with, ahem, no engine and doors that ...don't actually open?"

"You know, Frankie, I don't even whistle at the women around here. They're all so fake."

"...more like Chow Moan. Let's never eat here again. FUCK ME! I'm getting a ticket."

Train delays

2007-12-21T17:36:00.000-05:00

The past two months have been pretty fargin busy. I'm waiting for some 1:48 scale parking meters and a little fat guy with polka-dotted shorts to show up so I can start filming the layout, and I will post a video that will blow your mind. In my head, it's actually already done, if that makes any sense.

Meanwhile, I switched into a new group at work (not by choice). I also conquered two piano projects; one I started in 2003 that required all the brains I could muster: I learned Chopin's Waltz in C# minor (Opus 64, #2). Not bad considering I have the sight-reading skills of a 10 year old. And Bruce Springsteen's Thunder Road. Great piano there. Simultaneously, I ran 51 auctions on Ebay to unload a bunch of crap I bought on, er, Ebay.

And I got my hands on one of the rarest tin cars ever made by the Japanese. For most of you, this is meaningless. But for the handful of you who know how I foam at the mouth over vintage tin toy cars, feast your eyes on this 16.5''-long creampuff: a 1953 Packard Patrician in really nice original condition. I have been searching for this car for a decade, and I've been told there may be fewer than 20 of these in existence.

The train is coming.

2007-10-08T22:55:00.000-04:00

It's been eight months since I began this thing and it's finally starting to look like something. A little town called, well, I don't know what to call it. I'm trying to figure out how to shoot the video, but until then here's a few pics.

Next stop: New Transformerville

2007-09-10T10:25:00.000-04:00

Minor setback with the trains. Just when the electrical work was 99% done and my nerves were equally frazzled, one of the transformers is now close to frying. It was blinking its famous red dummy light, which indicates that you're about 5 minutes from burning the place down. I'm running a 275 watt ZW and a 180 watt KW. In english, that essentially means I'm turning on a 455 watt bulb every time I fire up the layout.

As Paris Hilton would say...'that's hot.'

Ahh, now that's a transformer. I'll take two.

The ZW seems to be fine, but the KW is bustin' at the seams. It was my dad's, so I kinda wanted to use it. Then again, all tolled, it's running over 30 buildings comprising more than 100 little interior lightbulbs, four switch motors, two crossing gate motors, three plug-in relays, and let's not forget: two dual-motor locomotives plus a dozen lit passenger/subway cars. That's a lot of juice. I do believe Con Ed has noticed. Next step I guess is to have Louie (my micro-electrician) beef up the KW somehow, or replace it with another ZW. But I'm not a nerd, I swear.

And yet, a pin head's worth of nuclear fuel probably contains enough potential energy to power the layout for 50 years, non stop. But I'd go bald and my skin would melt off.

I may just go with another transformer.

Know why I like Roger? He's just more Feder. He's Feder-er.

2007-09-06T11:24:00.001-04:00

I remember watching Bjorn Borg, Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras over the years and thinking to myself that they were the best living tennis players at the time, and possibly the best of all time.

Then Roger Federer came along, and turned it all on its head. I watched him defeat Andy Roddick last night, and I have to say, while he didn't beat him badly, he performed his usual black magic; out smarting, out pacing, and out playing him right down to the end, with little or no energy wasted on emotion. I knew it would happen. Roddick is a great player. Strong, confident, a little cocky. But Federer is the master. Cool, graceful, quiet, and immensely talented. You get the impression that he is practically undefeatable.

The announcers mentioned something obvious and yet interesting; it's too bad both Roddick and Federer are here in the game at the same time, they're both incredible players in their own right, but Federer is really the only thing preventing Roddick from being on top. But then, I guess that holds true for any sport. Think of where Phil Mickelson would be if it weren't for you know who.

Lucky dog.

2007-08-29T10:56:00.000-04:00

I'm not in the business of spending other people's money, but I couldn't help notice Leona Helmsley's last fuck you to humanity. It looks like she left $12 million in a trust fund to her dog 'Trouble', a mere $100,000 to her chauffeur, Nicholas Celea, the man who drove her around day in and day out, and a big ol' goose egg to two of her four grandchildren. Yeah, bupkas, zilch, zippo. Man, that's gotta suck.

Big train pictorial coming soon, but first, this just in: iPods freakin' RULE.

2007-08-28T15:47:00.000-04:00

My work buddy just told me the most incredible story. He accidentally left his shuffle in his pants pocket and washed them. More amazingly, he then DRIED them in the dryer. Incredibly, his iPod still works perfectly. I'm actually in the market for a new iPod since I stepped on and crushed my last one during a run, and this definitely sealed the deal for me.

Woo Wooooooooooooooo...All aboard!

2007-08-10T22:49:00.000-04:00

Well, the trains are almost done, at great expense and pain. The electrical hook-up was complicated and way over my head. After an exhaustive three-minute search on google, I managed to find a micro-electrician to do the job. No, he's not small electrician. He's an expert at micro-electronics, and he knows how – and more importantly, why – all the electrical and electronic components inside the trains work, including how to set up insulation blocks, how to test and fix transformers, and a whole bunch of other shit most people including me don't really care about. I figured I'd leave the complicated stuff to the experts. Heck, you wouldn't do your own dental work, would you? Anyway, I tried to pay attention to what he was doing, in hopes that some of it would rub off on me. That, of course, proved to be useless. But I did get a shock, so I guess technically something rubbed off on me after all.

If you want to know what it looks like inside the cockpit of a 747, take a peek under my train table. There are literally hundreds of wires, as well as dozens of solder points, voltage regulators, terminal boards, timers, and plug-in relays. I couldn't tell you how all this stuff works, but the top of the table is a beautiful thing.

He wired up 29 buildings, as well as switches, block signals which turn green when the train passes through them, a pair of operating crossing gates and signals, a few rotating beacons, a neon gas station sign, and a blinking bridge light. All that's left to do is the scenery, streetlights, and some plexi around the edges to really hammer home my OCD. Hey, it's just a polite way of saying "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH IT". By the way, spray foam rules. Just don't get it in your eyes or you will die.

I will post a few pics when it is done in a few more weeks. In fact, I think I'm going to make a little video of it; the new trains create incredibly realistic sounds, including the conductor speaking, the breaks squeaking, that distinctive locomotive horn, smoke, and even cruise control. It's really quite impressive how far technology has taken this hobby. I have to give it to MTH for being such innovators, and lighting a flame under Lionel's ass in the process. That's not to say that Lionel won't always have a bigger place in my heart. My dad's old Wabash and his 20-wheel Berkshire were made by Lionel, and they're probably the only things I'd grab in a fire.

If you're not impressed by all this, that's fine. There's a three-year old kid who lives across the hall from me who is so excited to play with it, I really think he craps in his pants every time he sees me come home from work. And that, of course, makes it all worth it.

Where the HELL have I been?

2007-06-03T21:42:00.000-04:00

Doing this.

I have my dad's old Lionel trains. And, sadly, the electrical skills of a pole dancer.

Bad combination.

This is the beginning of my fourth and newest layout. It doesn't look like much yet, but it will. And I'm not actually using much Lionel stuff. My dad's trains are indeed Lionel, but in the last 50 years, dozens of other toy train companies have cropped up. And a lot of them make really nice stuff. MTH is one of them, and their track is what I'm using. It has the roadbed, or 'ballast' as they call it, built in already. If you've ever set your own ballast by hand, and many people have, you know that root canal is more pleasant.

So far, what I have succeeded in doing is to create two separate loops (an outer 054, partially elevated loop, and a smaller 042 figure-eight over and under inner loop that connect together via four switches). Essentially, it means I can operate two long passenger trains independently and simultaneously. And when just one train is in operation, it can switch loops regardless of the loop it's on or the direction it's going.

In theory, anyway. As is par for the way I do anything, there are complications. I was hoping to be able to watch both trains pass each other at full speed while I sat there sipping a Daquiri from across the apartment. And if I had the space, skill, time, and money, I could do it. Unfortunately, because of the steepness of the elevations, the train struggles to go uphill until I give it more juice. And then when it's at the top of the elevation, it takes off and begins to barrel down the hill way too fast. To avoid a trainwreck, I have to slow it down and speed it up depending on where it is on the layout. And this goes for the other loop as well. It makes it difficult to operate both trains at once sans stress, because I'm constantly having to monitor when each of the trains is in danger of derailing. I have heard that someone makes a computer chip/sensor, kind of like a capacitor, that senses when the train is in an elevated state and when it's completely horizontal. So it knows when to adjust the juice. I have to look into it. In the meantime, I have banked the curves on the downhills a few degrees, kind of like how the pavement is banked at an auto racetrack, to cut down on the centrifugal force that will pull it off the track. The locomotives are quite heavy- some are more than 10 pounds, and will do some serious damage to anything in their way. Wow, I'm really a nerd.

Mountains are on their way. I secured two of the four tunnel portals to their bases today, since two of the four portals enter the mountain from an elevated position. I'm waiting for some crossing signals and gates (with sound!) so I can pull some more of my hair out trying to figure out how to hook them up. Meanwhile, I've stuffed the table (it's 12 feet by 5 feet) with as many buildings as will look real in that space.

So that's what I've been doing since February. One of my three main goals for the summer is to finish this thing already. If you have any skills in hooking up switches, block signals, etc. I could really use the help. And if you have some pole dancing skills that you want to show me , that's okay too.

Been bery bery busy.

2007-05-06T22:48:00.000-04:00

I started a 'project' in February. Should be done sometime in June. Promise it will be worth it. Stay tuned.

Who wants to buy a country?

2007-01-09T13:12:00.000-05:00

You can do it here.

Global warning.

2007-01-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

It was 72 degrees today. It's January. Scientists are worried. We should be too.

Curriculum ridiculum.

2007-01-05T11:54:00.004-05:00

Forget this reading crap. Are our children learning life's really important lessons early enough?

I got through both high school and college with As and Bs, and I don't believe I ever cracked a book.

I'm not proud of it.

But I didn't miss a single class in four years at Boston University. I read Cliff Notes, took class notes like crazy, paid attention, spent time with my professors, and took study partners and practice tests seriously. I had a math partner in college who had big boobs and wore a tight T-shirt that said "STOP STARING AT MY TITS."

But I digress.

Today, I read news voraciously from at least a dozen sources daily, and I consider myself somewhat of a Middle East buff. I read about technology (well, not enough about phone service) future fuels, politics, interest rates, real estate, war, advertising, health, music and movies.

I even avoid Fox News wherever possible.

What's my point? I'll tell you. The last 16 years of my life suggest to me that our school curriculums are woefully inadequate.

We all took the obligatory language, math, history, science, social studies (whatever that means), health ed, art, and gym.

Did we ever learn how to invest money? Or even how to balance a checkbook? No, we didn't. We worked at a hardware store after school, and borrowed money from Dad.

Did we ever learn how to get a mortgage? No, we didn't. We didn't learn this until we had to know it, and by then it was too late. I can attest to this personally. Everything I learned about mortgages I learned on the fly, and during the excruciating process of refinancing. How much would I have saved in interest, fees, points and aggravation had I known about all this stuff in advance? Fantastic amounts.

Did we learn how to fix anything in shop class? No, we didn't. We made ashtrays and lamps or other useless shit.

Did we learn in any class how much exercise we need or how to eat right? About portion control and trans-fats? No, we didn't. I broke my thumb playing basketball, and we threw cookie batter at each other in home-ec. Good times.

Did we learn about recent relevant political history? Did we learn about the origins or the scope of Arab ire? Of the long-term effects of global warming or the disastrous consequences of excess greenhouse gases and melting ice caps? Or the insufficient progress of new battery technology? About managing our future? No, no, and no.

We didn't.

We learned about Washington crossing the Deleware. We learned about the Crusades. We learned about Reaganomics. We learned about Orion's Belt. We read Catcher In The Rye. Well, most of us did. But an argument can be made for the answer to this question: Who cares?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking education. When I meet someone with an advanced degree, or someone who can speak half a dozen languages, I get all tingly with jealosy. And I get that those who don't understand the past are condemned to repeat it. It is also debatable whether children should necessarily have all of these "adult" things thrust upon them by age 18 anyway.

And George Washington was a really important guy. For sure, teachers work hard; we wouldn't be where we are without them. But when you watch the news, you see that we're falling behind in the world. And in our own lives. Well, I am. It seems to me that there are things besides the standard content of your high school courses that are just more important to our current survival and success. I think it's because more in the world has changed in the past 20 years than remained the same. Our education system simply has not kept up. What do we do? We fill in the holes. We improvise. We get thrown into situations and we learn the hard way. We sue each other. We take advantage of those who know less. The system needs work.

As a child, I was blessed to have parents who sent me on every kind of lesson there was: Ski lessons, swim lessons, music lessons, martial arts lessons, language lessons, soccer camp, you name it. And it wasn't because they had money: growing up, my parents shared a shitty used car, and the only vacationing they ever did was when my grandparents flew over to Europe from the U.S. to see us. My parents sacrificed a lot for my brother and I. They wanted us to be exposed to every conceivable skillset, so we'd be more prepared for later life. It made a difference, and I'll force this sort of thing on my kids as they whine kicking and screaming. And they'll thank me when I'm old. Not everyone gets these opportunities.

Meanwhile, I took a hairbrained crack at an addendum to today's curriculums, in an effort to get kids today to be better prepared for tomorrow. Think what you will. Comment if you like. Or if you don't. Educate me.

In addition to the basics; math, science, history, literature (oops!) and gym, these are some month-long crash courses that I'd add as requirements somewhere within the eight years of high school and college, if I had any qualifications or authority on the matter. Maybe it's just a glossy brochure and an hour guest lecture. Maybe it's both. Of course, those who major in finance are automatically ahead of the game. Not to mention those who are lucky enough, smart enough, or disciplined enough to go through law school/medical school/business school or other advanced trade school.

That leaves the other 90% of us. I'm not saying that 15-year-olds need to know everything about Muni bonds. But I have to believe that some basics will go a long way when they graduate with a clue. I wish I did.

FINANCE Courses:
Understanding Credit Cards
Networking & How To Look For A Job
Balancing Your Checkbook & Budgeting
Personal Investing, 401ks & Interest: The Benefits Of Starting Early
Understanding & Preparing Taxes
Understanding Real Estate
Understanding Renter's/Homeowner's Insurance
Understanding Life Insurance

HEALTH & SOCIAL Courses:
First Aid
The Importance Of Exercise & Eating Right
Personal Hygeine
Dating
Social Ettiquette & Getting-Your-Lazy-Ass-Off-The-Computer-And
-Interacting-With-Other-Humans
How To Play Cards
Understanding Wines & Liquor
Understanding Health Insurance
Social Security & Our Aging Parents

BASICS Courses:
How To Buy/Rent A Car
How To Change A Tire
How To Buy/Use A Computer
New Technology
100 Things You Can Fix Yourself
Public Transit & How To Get Around
Understanding Global Warming
Recycling
Home Security & Personal Defense
Dealing With Customer Service
Basics Of US Government
Politics & World Leaders
Understanding Europe
Understanding The Middle East
Understanding Central & South America
Understanding Asia
Warfare & Nuclear Weapons; Current Conflicts
Why We Vote
Going To Jury Duty
Filling Out Applications
How To Organize & Keep Records
How To Use Maps
Ebay Is Your Friend
Synopsis Of The World's Great Religions

Hello. I'm a technotard.

2007-01-04T11:45:00.000-05:00

With one call, my phone/internet bill has just gone from $60/month down to $24.99.

And since all my training and experience tell me that $24.99 is considerably less than $60, I'm happy. Verizon is not.

I can live with that.

Just when I mustered the courage to eliminate my home phone, I woke up and discovered that we have lots more choices today than we did as recently as just two years ago.

Perhaps I'm a little behind the times. What say I hit you over the head with my receiver and we see who's laughing then. Deal?

Who knew that you are no longer required to have an active phone line to have dsl? Most of the world, for sure. But maybe I just assumed it was necessary. Maybe it just made sense to the gerbil running around on the treadmill in my head. Maybe it was that Verizon says so in their 0-point legalease. Of course, Verizon is very careful not to promote dry-loop dsl, since some FCC law was enacted around 2004 preventing them from bundling (read: forcing dial tones down people's throat along with other services they may not need.) And that means they're probably hemorrhaging profits. Interestingly, I couldn't find a lot of news stories about this, but I found a ton of bloggers raving about it.

$35/month less is $420/year savings. This is not insignificant. Better yet, you see I can do basic math.

If you're a technofreak, like my brother, this whole thing is not news. Nor will you care about it if you have cable modem, or millions in the bank. But some of you dsl users might find this information useful. To me, it was like discovering fire; The simple truth is, you no longer need to have an active phone line to have dsl streaming through it.

The drawback is, you no longer have an active phone line. But so what? I have a fair amount of confidence that T-Mobile might actually be able to continue eeking out decent cell service 80% of the time. More importantly, I haven't made a call on my home phone in nearly three years. And the only people who call on that line anymore are telemarketers and politicians.

I don't know what they're going to do now, but I'll work through it.

Man Corners.

2006-12-19T11:05:00.000-05:00

Coming soon.

I love hardware stores.

2006-12-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

Is walking into a True Value nirvana for you too?

You know what I mean. The smell of metal. Tools. Paint. Lightbulbs. Plumbing supplies. Mmm, ductwork.

Ahh, it makes me hard. The very thought of lumber. Plywood. Two-by-fours. Particle board. Plexiglas shelving, cut to your very own specifications, right in front of you. It's like watching porn, if you ask me.

Don't ask me.

Then there's Durock. It's like buying a portable wall made out of crushed, pressed rock! It's fucking genius!

Please stop. It tickles. I can't take it.

Not coincidentally, there's always something in my apartment that requires building, removing, painting, or repairing. Lucky for me, there's a hardware store every 50 feet around here.

And there's a strange pleasure in, say, fixing that 1-inch floor molding myself, instead of overpaying some asshole to show up late and do a worse job. Incidentally, if you've ever wondered why contractors get such a bad rap, here's my theory: In crowded cities, there's so much more work to do than they can handle, they can be selective about the jobs they take - and the jobs they complete - and if they don't do a good job it doesn't fargin matter; they don't rely on repeat business.

In any event, the hardware store is my personal crack den. And power tools are my fix.

Yes! Yes! Yes!...a Makita Palm Sander. Oh, yes! How I will love thee. Let me count the ways. Now I have one, with all the dreamy attachments and doo-dads I could ever think up. It's as loud as an F-16, but hell, it'll sand a block of wood down to a piece of paper, if that's what you're into. That's it - I'm making all my own paper!

To be honest, I don't quite know what the fuck this is, but I'm gonna go ahead and build it, dammit.

And let's not forget about my trusty Dremel. This little creampuff will out drill, out cut, or out buff anything twice its size. Yes, I have all 847 aftermarket drill bits and cutters, if you must know. 30,000 rpm, baby. Wear your goggles and stand back; I'm going in.

I once hired the 'wrong contractor' (I know, that's redundant) to put up a few ceiling fans. He not only didn't finish the job, he showered in my bathroom while I was at work, that's gross, he left his rings on my bathtub, and to top it off, he skipped town without my paying him anything. He also left behind a tall ladder and huge toolbox filled with electrical goodies. More tools for me, less for him. He finished just enough of the job so I was able to pay another guy a mere 1/4 of what I owed the first guy to not finish the job. In the famous words of George Peppard, I love it when a plan comes together.

Like adjustable brackets? Sure you do. Two-sided insulating tape? Who doesn't? How about outlet covers? Where do I sign? I cannot tell you how I relished replacing my cracked, yellowing ghetto outlet covers when I moved in. They were somehow both dusty AND sticky. Each one took maybe 30 seconds to replace, including three turns of my sexy cordless electric Black & Decker screwdriver (with 10-piece attachment tree included.) Happiness is a warm puppy, for sure. It is also a new set of fresh white, clean outlet covers. The pinhead who owned my apartment before me never fixed anything. Do you know how happy my shiny outlet covers make me? This much, and you know what I'm doing now.

Man, I gotta get out more.

Need some paint taken off that brick? Been there. Wear a mask and protect your peepers. Got a hole in a wall that needs a patch and match? Done that. Toothpaste works great. No, don't use the gel, silly. Gotta put up a shelf or a sign? You could hang a Rocky Balboa-approved side of beef from some of the shelves I've put up. The key to nearly everything in life is this: pre-drilled holes. You try to bang even masonry nails into brick, and it'll be a bad day for you.

So next time you're passing a Home Depot, stop, smile, and think of all the incompetent contractors you won't have to put up with if you could just ...do it yourself.

Ooh, sheetrock, grafting tape, spackle. Liquid concrete.

Cauck!

Don't tease!

ƒuçk!ng Hil@®iou§

2006-12-06T19:38:00.000-05:00

This isn't new, but it is brilliant.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa
cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super-absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up
any exposed areas.

...

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the
size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck
on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass
wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Dangerous drug interaction.

2006-12-06T14:26:00.001-05:00

I noticed this ad today while reading the news. Is Adderall XR® for bad hair?

Amazingly, no. It's for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Not that it's easy to discover this from the 5,000-word legalease document on their site.

More importantly, this is the Sears guy. And I like the Sears commercials. But it begs the question: is this the right guy to be selling band saws and power drills?

Customer (dis)Service

2006-11-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

Some companies just don't fucking get it. A handful of them do. I thought I'd start a list of customer service experiences I've had with various companies over the years. I guess I'll update it periodically. If you have any good stories, or nightmares, chime in.

American Express- Generally very good. They have the reputation of standing by customers, and by and large, they do. I estimated the other day that I've had about 1,500 Amex transactions in the past 10 years, and 1,496 of them have gone swimmingly. I won the four disputes, but not without a fight, multiple letters, and persistent phonecalls. In my experience, Amex tends to side with the last party to make an argument. Remember- however good an American Express customer you are, the merchant is probably a better American Express customer.

Countrywide Home Loans- Horrific, at best. I'd rather have an airbag deploy in my face than keep using them. But I can't escape. Yet. Long waits on the phone, near-impossible automated navigation, hold-music that makes you want to commit hari kiri, and mortgage rates that you can always count on to be higher than everyone else's. Refinancing with them was a fairly miserable experience. So why the hell do I keep using them? Unfortunately, they are one of the only mortgage companies that won't "transfer your papers" to other mortgage companies, like a good mortgage company will do. What does that mean? It means you have to originate a new loan to refinance with someone else. And that means you pay taxes on the full mortgage amount. I didn't feel like ponying up $7,000 just for the satisfaction of getting away from them, although I did think about it. I didn't choose them- as is common after a closing, my mortgage was sold to another company. I just lucked out. Buying a house? I'd recommend a loanshark over Countrywide Home Loans.

Time Warner- I appear to be one of the lucky few who hasn't had the misfortune of falling into the endless vortex that is their no-help line. But I've heard stories. Anyone got one?

Verizon- Mediocre. Some people love them. I'm pretty neutral with this company. Overall, they appear to have their act together. I called them today to ask why all of their DSL deals are less than half of what I've been paying them every month for the last two years. After being disconnected twice by an automated woman who said their system couldn't handle the call volume (was this is a phone company I was calling?) I managed to get it lowered by $7 per month, as if that's going to make a difference in my life. They're not bad. And these days, that's good.

Chase- Run from them, don't walk. I transferred a balance from a credit card I had to a Chase credit card after being pummelled for months by 68773944577 of their misleading 0% transfer offers. It's been eight or nine months and without exaggeration, every single month I have to call them and question another strange charge on my bill. If it's not a dollar for some bogus charge, it's $11 for some useless credit protection service I never asked for. All the while, they rarely miss an opportunity to wake me up at 8:30am on a Saturday to try to sell me some other shit I don't need, in an accent I can't understand. You'll enjoy letting mousetraps snap on your eyelids more than you'll like dealing with Chase.

Con Ed- So far so good. I keep paying them, and they keep my lights on. It works.

Timberland- Very good. I've owned a few pairs of Timberland boots over the years- one pair actually lasted for 15 years, and they weren't even worn out. A week after I bought a new pair, the top edge tore off as I was pulling them on. Obviously, a rare manufacturing defect, because they make a great boot. I wrote them a letter and they exchanged them for another pair without question. So I'll keep buying Timberlands. And since you're reading this, you'll probably go out and buy a pair of Timberlands too. And this is the best kind of advertising a company can ever hope to have.

The heckler was Black. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

2006-11-21T17:11:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one siding with Kramer on this?

I know that hecklers are a fact of life for performers. I've always been worried about being in an audience that has one.

I saw the video. I saw the apology. More importantly, I heard some of the comments made by the rude asshole who initiated it. Have you ever known anyone personally who would yell out something inappropriate to a comedian in front of an entire audience? His parents must be very proud.

Performing is not as easy as it looks. Just ask my friend Jon, who does it almost every night. Richards was provoked and annoyed repeatedly by people who should have been asked to leave. And in defending himself, he kinda lost it. It doesn't make him a racist. For the record, I hear Black people – including a lot of people in my company – call each other "Nigger" all day long. They seem surprisingly okay with it, too.

Besides, where was the security? If I was a bouncer at the Laugh Factory, I'd start dusting off my resume right about now.

Then of course, the whole thing spiraled downward, until there were no more people in the audience. Make no mistake; folks in a crowd will do what everyone else in the crowd is doing. The collective intelligence of a large group is always dumber than the individuals. So as a few people left, the ones who remained felt dumb, and they got up and left too. No one wants to feel dumb. Believe me, most people weren't leaving because they were offended.

Some comedians take it well. I've seen Dane Cook rebound fabulously from a heckler. And of course, Jerry Seinfeld's famous response to a heckler was, "This is my office. Would you like it if I came to your office and heckled you?" Crowd goes crazy. Heckler is embarrassed. Show moves on. Mr. Richards wasn't so lucky. He made a bad choice, but it was a result of someone else's bad choice.

In fact, there are some theatres in my neighborhood I can't even go to anymore to because of all the... let's call them minorities, and I don't mean Jews. For some reason, certain cultures love to talk back to the screen. Not to mention bringing their crying 3-year old children to the movies, even if they're not appropriate for children. I don't care how upstanding and politically correct you are, you know exactly what I mean. And you know how fucking annoying and unfair it is to everyone else. Does that make me a racist?

Michael Richards didn't attack anyone. He defended himself poorly from someone else's attack on him. Why are we demonizing the "hecklee", simply because his response to an ongoing provocation wasn't nice? You won't see any White people up in arms over the "Cracker" comment. But then, I've never been a big proponent of a proportional response.

You still love Michael Richards, and you know it. He deserved a little bit of quiet during his performance, he was totally broken up over how he reacted, and I do believe he deserves a statement of apology from the guys in the audience who started this whole thing.

2 parts Andy Kaufman + 1 part Jackass = Borat

2006-11-14T01:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm officially on Borat overload.

And yet, I can't recommend this movie enough. The truth is, I haven't laughed this hard in months. Well, at least not since my good friend Jon Clarke told me he once saw Cookie Monster eat a telephone.

Borat made $30 million in its opening weekend. Pretty good considering it looks like it only took about 50 grand to make it.

I didn't know Jack.

2006-11-11T00:24:00.000-05:00

Well, Jack Palance died. He was one of my favorite 'B' actors, along with Charles Bronson.

One of Jack Palance's less gleaming accomplishments was probably a voiceover he did for an Ortega Taco TV spot I wrote in 1992. For some reason, I remember that they paid him $85,000 for a four-hour session. This was 1992 – That's around $200,000 in today's money. Not bad for half a day's work.

Sometime during the session, I found the nerve to ask him if he could read a certain line with a little more enthusiasm, and I performed a few words showing how I wanted it read. In front of our whole team, he replied to me, "If that's enthusiasm, we're ALL going under." I was pretty embarrassed at the time, but looking back on it, the spot did kinda suck.

But that was nothing. He was known for telling his directors they shouldn't even be directing traffic, much less movies. I guess I got off easy.

World's Dumbest Headlines #4.

2006-10-26T00:43:00.000-04:00

Fresh from the thinktank at msnbc.com, comes this gem:

"Polls show Foley scandal hurting GOP"

You think?

"So many 12-year-olds, so little time..."

Wake up and smell the Allah, America.

2006-10-17T17:12:00.000-04:00

It's hard for us to to know what to believe.

News is not always truth.

If you want to hear what's really happening in the Middle East, and in the world of Islamic fundamentalism in general, read on.

This is a recent presentation that's rich in facts and horrific details.

And for your objective viewing pleasure, you'll be happy to know that it's not narrated by a Jew, written by a Jew, or produced by a Jew, but rather by an Arab - a native-speaking Lebanese Christian named Bridgette Gabriele. It is, however, being re-posted by a Jew. That's me.

She's quite hot, I might add. But I digress.

If you have some time, and you're ready to hear some frightening accounts from someone who's actually lived it, this video will blow your mind.

Lemme aks you something.

2006-10-16T22:22:00.000-04:00

Why are gym employees douchebags?

My 3-year membership at a local gym expired this past July, and since then I've just been paying month to month. 79 bucks. More than I want to spend, but still cheaper than some gyms. The gym I've been going to is nothing fancy. They've got weights, cardio equipment and three punching bags. All I need. The managers are, for the most part, douchebags. They spend more time on their cellphones and looking in every mirror they walk by, than say, seeing if people are using machines correctly, or other crazy things like that.

It took them two years to replace a broken water fountain. That's part of why I left. I was thirsty.

So I go into another gym after work the other day to ask the lady behind the counter a simple question:

"Can you tell me what your rates are? I was thinking about joining this gym."

Without actually looking at me, she instantly and instinctively performs the OPPOSITE of customer service; she hands me a clipboard with a long form on it and a dangling pen, which she grabs from a large stack of clipboards with long forms on them and dangling pens, from the wall behind the desk.

I wanted to fucking punch her in the face.

I can't tell if she was incapable of answering my question, unwilling to, or just brainwashed into never interacting with someone unless they were just asking for a towel, but I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to reel in a new customer.

But hey, I'm just in advertising, what do I know?

After filling out more information than they deserve, I handed her back the clipboard with the long form and the dangling pen and she tells me someone will be right with me. What I wanted to do desperately however, was hit her over the head with it, while simultaneously screaming BOO, just to get her to make some friggin' eye contact.

15 minutes later, and one nose-hair away from my walking out, one of their crack sales guys (read: early 20-something overconfident Hispano-African kid who kept licking his lips and using the phrase "lemme AKS you something" at least five times) sits me down in one of their 4 x 6 cells to talk turkey.

Again, the first thing I did was 'aks' him what their rates were.

Nothing doing. He wasn't about to forego his droning 20 minute schpiel and my useless free tour. I know what a gym looks like. Weights. Machines. Mats. Music. Dipsticks with big muscles. I get it.

I didn't want to reveal yet that I work across the street and we get a corporate rate. I wanted to see what a regular walk-in would pay.

So he pummels me with countless junk-mail generating questions and pointless information - then he proceeds to veer off into a conversation about my brother who lives in Las Vegas, and all the unnecessary free guest passes I can get. Even funnier, with a straight face, he actually tried to convince me that after three years, my membership rate "would only go down, not up." I called him on it, by saying we both know that's just not going to happen and I think he got kinda flustered.

Anyway, as soon as I mentioned where I work he panicked, and got up to go call in a 'cleaner', or a 'closer', depending on how you want to look at it. It was as if I told him I work for the FBI or something.

Well, I didn't realize the chain reaction I had started, because he brought with him two even bigger, far uglier oafs wearing the same red wife-beater unitards that were too small. They made sure to let me know that they had A LOT of muscles.

After 10 seconds of man-on-man foreplay that included a few handshakes, the short answer to the question I asked half an hour earlier, and my subtle gagging on their crappy colognes, all three of them were standing over me, no, lumbering over me, quietly, intensely, impatiently, with a contract and ball-point pen, waiting for me to sign.

I guess somewhere between when the first guy jumped up and when he brought his gumbahs back with him, my initial question got lost in translation, and became a game of telephone. "What are your rates?" became "This guy wants to join, quick, get him a contract and a pen. Do it! Now!"

One of the few valuable things I've learned in my field is this: listen to people. No one wants to hear your over-rehearsed canned answer to a problem they didn't tell you they had.

Still, sometimes pressure can be good... say, when you need to stop a gunshot wound from bleeding. This was not one of those times. A little bit of subtlety, honestly, and humanity goes a long way.

Not wanting to bow to their caveman sales techniques, I told them I needed 24 hours to think about it and walked out.

The whole thing reminds me of a tiny part of Ben Afleck's incredible speech in the movie The Boiler Room.

He said: "A sale is made on every call. Either you sell someone on a reason to buy your stock ...or they sell you on a reason not to."

Anyone out there go to a gym they like?

Possibly the single greatest piece of advice ever dispensed.

2006-10-10T21:44:00.000-04:00

Don't buy razors at a 99c store.

An Exercise in Free Speech. And Latex.

2006-09-29T11:00:00.000-04:00

Although it's not my intention, this is clearly in questionable taste and will offend approximately one billion people. On the other hand, it could potentially entertain the remaining five billion people. Everything's a trade-off. Enjoy.

A guy walks into a porn shop, and asks the clerk "Do you have any blow up dolls?"

The clerk replies "Male or female?"

The guy says "female."

The clerk replies "Black or white?"

The guy says "White."

The clerk replies "Christian or Muslim?"

The guy says "What's the difference?"

The clerk replies "The Muslim ones blow themselves up."

Edible candy scabs

2006-09-19T00:19:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you've seen everything, along comes this. I saw these on boingboing.net a few weeks ago. Hilarious.

Disgusting, but hilarious.

After all, if you're a candy manufacturer, why create a candy imitation of, say, a Coke bottle, or a button, or bears, or corn, or cigarettes.... when you can recreate a realistic bloody scab?

From the manufacturer:

"Lickable candy scabs that you stick on and eat off. Each pack includes candy scabs and 5 plastic bandages which are stickable just like a real bandage. A plastic compartment on the bandage opens to reveal a pressed dextrose candy scab. Open the compartment, lick the candy, and reseal for licking later!"

"Astronauts lose another bolt while working on space station"

2006-09-13T16:27:00.000-04:00

Guys, come on, get a grip. Stop fucking around up there.

Some Metal Crap From The Turn Of The Century

2006-09-12T23:08:00.000-04:00

This is a special request from my good friend Jon (see link at right). He wanted to see some metal crap from the turn of the century, so here's some. It's a cast iron bank toy that you may recognize as the Flatiron building located on 23rd St. This one's just located on a table. It was manufactured around 1905, shortly after the Flatiron building was erected, and available until around 1930, so I'm told.

Jon, I hope you're happy.

Important T-Mobile UPDATE

2006-09-12T00:39:00.000-04:00

As expected, they continue to suck ass, in every conceivable way, with the passion of approximately 1,000 red-hot suns.

Like a crappy Radio Shack walkie-talkie, my Zoolander phone has, by my best estimate, a range of roughly 50 feet in every direction. Except towards where I'm calling. I just received a text mail five days after it was sent. And that's an improvement.

I no longer care that Catherine Zeta Jones is hot. When my contract is over, I'm going to go with a different kind of Jones: the James Earl kind. I'm switching back to Verizon. Live and learn.

Shhh.

2006-09-11T23:59:00.000-04:00

This is a picture I took from one of my back windows at 10:00am, on September 11, 2001.

Those aren't clouds. They're clouds of smoke.

Being afraid I'd accidentally erase the picture, I made several copies. I watched it happen live on tv, and I smelled the smoke for weeks and weeks.

I remember looking through the New York Times over the next few days and combing through all the little pictures and names of the hundreds of firefighters and cops who died. Then I remembered that a few years earlier, a martial arts teacher I had, named Peter Kritzamelios, was a volunteer firefighter in Manhattan.

Thankfully, I couldn't find him on that list.

A year later, I ran into him in the street and shook his hand with both of my hands, and all of my might. He was alive. He had a four year old daughter. I brought him back a chocolate bar for her from Spain once that had the brand name "Spar" on it.

It was funny at the time.

He was in the towers that horrific morning. He got out. We talked about it for a few minutes. Well, actually, he talked about it and I listened. It wasn't easy to hold back tears, but I managed.

He was the kind of person who was really interested in hearing how a student got out of a fight, instead of how a student got into one. You don't expect to hear that from a black belt. And it took me years to appreciate this.

My high school girlfriend called me a few weeks later and told me that Chris Colasanti, someone we went to high school with, and who I played soccer with, died in the North Tower. He worked at Cantor Fitzgerald, on the 105th floor. I'm not sure anyone that high up made it out. The disturbing part was that when I looked through my yearbook after 15 years, I remembered him.

She also told me she knew someone who managed to make it out in time. They described an entire conference room as "moving around like a carnival ride" when one of the planes hit. I'll never understand what that was like, but the image I have in my head will never leave me either.

What can you possibly say to pay your respects to 3,000 people who didn't deserve to die?

Nothing.

Moment of silence.

A picture that's worth 1,000 words.

2006-09-07T18:11:00.000-04:00

Jenin, West Bank. September 7, 2006. Four Palestinians, dead. Let's Tarantino it. Moments earlier, this picture. IDF enters Jenin to search for man suspected of stabbing an Israeli. Palistinian miltant aims at IDF. The militant, making sure to protect himself from behind a corner, operates inches from a crowd of human shields (read: dummies). Anyone want to hunker a guess at what happens when the IDF fires back? Funnels nicely into Golda Meir's famous saying, "When the Palestinians love their children more than they hate the Jews, there will be peace."

Paris Hilton Arrested for DUI.

2006-09-07T14:40:00.000-04:00

Eight pounds of gold, doing the rhumba downtown with 800 pounds of copper. ALT caption: Puss & Boots. Heh! I could do this all day long.

Christ, what is it with the rich and famous? Last month, Mel Gibson. Now Paris Hilton. And a thousand pinhead movie stars and other well-to-doggydo jackoffs in between. Of course, it is debatable whether this even qualifies as news, much less whether it belongs on the homepage of msnbc, but regardless, there is justice in the world after all. Paris, you may be free of any discernable talent, but you are indeed an entertainer. And for that, we thank you. These incredibly tough times will provide you with at least a sentence-worth of material for your next smash album.

World's Dumbest Headlines #3

2006-09-05T18:37:00.000-04:00

From the Associated Press:

"Bush reminds Americans U.S. is at war"

I love it.

For the last time, "Crikey!"

2006-09-04T01:50:00.000-04:00

Steve Irwin, dead at 44. Killed by a Stingray, while filming a documentary near the Great Barrier Reef, on Monday. It's really creepy when someone you recognize dies of unnatural causes. Actually, if you think about what he did, you almost can't believe he even lived into his 40s. Thanks for fascinating us for as long as you did. You were our Mick Dundee, only real.

World's Dumbest News Headlines #2

2006-09-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of that brilliant thinktank at yahoo news: "Pentagon: conditions for civil war exist in Iraq"
I'm not the fastest writer, but isn't that headline about two years late?

Paris says new album so good, ‘I, like, cry’

2006-08-25T13:09:00.005-04:00

Singer-socialite claims ‘people go crazy’ over debut disc ‘Paris’.
Someone..........please......help........can't.......stop........vomiting....

I think I'm going to be sick.

2006-08-16T23:59:00.000-04:00

She's beautiful. She's rich. She weighs eight pounds. But as far as I can tell, Paris Hilton is not a musician. She's a brand name with a pretty face and a nice rack. At least Britney Spears can dance. The question is, will Paris Hilton be signing her name at this thing, or simply signing an X? I'm going to buy this album, not because Paris is so talented, or because she's ever uttered an original thought, but because I can't believe Paris Hilton actually has an album. I have to hear this. Of course, the worse it is, the better it will sell. Move over, William Hung.

V for Victory?

2006-08-16T21:57:00.000-04:00

...or for the number of buildings left standing after Israel retaliated for the kidnappings? While Hezbollah is busy injecting laughable claims of victory into the Arab world from a TV station run by, um, er, you guessed it, Hezbollah, let's remember that Lebanon not only suffered 10 times the loss of life, but the country is totally destroyed. This picture is kind. In the words of Israeli foreign ministry speaker Mark Regev, "If that's victory, I'd love to see what defeat looks like."

The Rules of War, by Moshe Yaalon

2006-08-03T15:58:00.000-04:00

The conflict in the Middle East is about much more than Israel and Hezbollah, or even Hezbollah's Syrian and Iranian sponsors. What is at stake are the very rules of war that underpin the entire international order.

Sadly, judging from how most of the world has responded to Israel's military action against Hezbollah, these rules have been completely abandoned.

The rules of war boil down to one central principle: the need to distinguish combatants from noncombatants. Those who condemned Israel for what happened at Qana, rather than placing the blame for this unfortunate tragedy squarely on Hezbollah and its state sponsors, have rewarded those for whom this moral principle is meaningless and have condemned a state in which this principle has always guided military and political decision making.

Faced with enemies who openly call for its destruction and victimized by unremitting wars and terrorism since well before it was born, Israel has risked the lives of its citizens and its soldiers to abide by this principle in a way that is unprecedented in the history of nations.

Here is but one of countless examples: In 2003, at the height of the Palestinian terror war against Israel, our intelligence services discovered the location of a meeting of the senior leadership of Hamas, an organization pledged to the annihilation of the Jewish state and responsible for some of the deadliest terrorist attacks ever carried out against Israel.

We knew that a one-ton bomb would destroy the three-story building and kill the Hamas leadership. But we also knew that such a bomb would endanger about 40 families who lived in the vicinity. We decided to use a smaller bomb that would destroy only the top floor of the building. As it turned out, the Hamas leaders were meeting on the ground floor. They lived to terrorize another day.

Imagine for a moment that the United States had advance knowledge of the meeting place of al-Qaeda's senior leadership. Does anyone believe that there would be a debate about what size bomb to use, much less that any leader would authorize insufficient force to do the job?

So while it is legitimate to question whether Israel should go to such extreme lengths to avoid civilian casualties, it is preposterous to argue that Israel uses excessive force. Even more absurd was the shameful statement last week that Israel appeared to have deliberately targeted U.N. officials -- a statement fit for a knave or a fool, not for the secretary general of the United Nations. Rather than lead the fight against those who target civilians and use them as human shields, Secretary General Kofi Annan has strengthened them.

It is clear to any objective observer that Hezbollah is using Lebanese civilians as human shields. It builds its headquarters in densely populated areas, embeds its fighters in towns and villages, and deliberately places missiles in private homes, even constructing additions to existing structures specifically to house missile launchers.

The reason terrorist groups such as Hezbollah use human shields is elementary. They try to exploit the respect for innocent human life that is the hallmark of any civilized society to place that society in a no-win situation. If it fails to respond to terror attacks, it endangers its own citizens. If it responds, it runs the risk of killing innocents, earning world opprobrium and inviting diplomatic pressure to stand down.

Hoping to retain its high moral standards in the face of such a cynical enemy, Israel has made every effort to avoid harming civilians. We have dropped fliers, sent telephone messages and broadcast radio announcements so that innocents can get out of harm's way. In doing so, we imperil our own citizens since, by losing the element of surprise, we invariably allow some of the enemy to escape with their missiles.

But at Qana, Hezbollah responded to Israel's compassion with more cynical brutality. After launching missiles at Israel, the terrorists rushed inside a building. When Israel fired a precision-guided missile to strike at the terrorists, scores of civilians, including children, were killed.

The difference between us and the terrorists is clear: We endanger ourselves to protect their civilians. They endanger their own civilians to protect themselves.

If tragedies such as Qana are not to be repeated, then, rather than condemning Israel, the world should be directing its anger at Hezbollah and at the Syrian and Iranian regimes that support it.

Terrorists are fanatics, but they are not idiots. If the terrorist tactic of using human shields helps them achieve their goals, they will utilize it. If it undermines their goals, they will abandon it.

If we want to live in a world where civilians are never used as human shields, then we must create a world in which employing such measures results in the unequivocal condemnation of terrorists and in forceful action against them by the civilized world.

If the world were now blaming Hezbollah, Syria and Iran for the innocent Lebanese killed, hurt or displaced in this conflict, then it would be sending a powerful message to every terrorist group on the planet: We will not tolerate the use of human shields. Period.

Instead, those who condemn Israel have sent precisely the opposite message. They have told every terrorist group around the world that the use of human shields will pay huge dividends, thereby providing them with a powerful weapon that endangers innocents everywhere.
---
The writer, a retired general, was chief of staff of the Israel Defense Forces from 2002 to 2005. He is now a distinguished military fellow at the Washington Institute for Near East Policy.

First trip to, like, you know, L.A.

2006-07-29T13:54:00.000-04:00

Giving the Hollywood sign a good squeeze.

Las Vegas and Los Angeles are places you have to visit at least once in you life. Here are a few of the 103 pictures I took along with my brother, his wife and her sister, on my second trip out west. We covered a lot of ground. First was Vegas- my second trip there- where we saw Penn & Teller (aMAzing), Neonopolis, The Bellagio, Red Rock, and of course, various other points on the strip. On to Cali: The Mojave Desert, The Pacific Coast, Venice Beach, Sunset Blvd, Hollywood Blvd, Carney's Hot Dogs, Pink's Hot Dogs, The Standard Hotel, The Crab Shack, Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive. We had a pretty great time. Took the red-eye back. For the record, there are no cabs at JFK airport at 2:45am.

The Mojave desert: toasty.

With the Boy, his wife, and her sister, on the edge of the Pacific Coast, after some killer seafood.

A man and his dog.

On the way to California. Next thing you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be elected governor. D'oh!

L.A.... where more than 600 feature films are produced every year. Including crappy ones like this.

Superman = Super movie.

2006-07-26T11:38:00.000-04:00

Go see it. More on Las Vegas and Los Angeles when I get back.

YREVILED AZZIP

2006-07-13T14:30:00.000-04:00

The Extra Large, delivered right to your tank.

I never do this.

I deplore getting people involved in things that aren't their problem.

Whoops, almost forgot. Terrorism has become everyone's problem. We got a sizeable helping of it here on September 11th.

The Middle East is where nearly all terrorism stems from. Much of that is directed at Israel, although Muslims are famous for killing each other too. (Iran/Iraq war, Iraq/Kuwait invasion, Shia/Sunni civil war, Lebanon civil war, and on and on and on.) The latest round of fighting was provoked by friends of Iran, in a likely effort to distract the G8 from the real issue at hand: Iran's nuclear program. Israel is paying the price, at least until they put Hamas and Hezbollah out of their misery. But this is not a political web site, and I have no intention of turning it into one.

Of course, while I have followed the current Palestinian intefada closely since 2000, I am, for the first time in recent memory, genuinely concerned about the seriousness of what is happening to Israel now, superpower though they may be.

If you do in fact care about the only fledgling democracy in a sea of 22 brutal, dehumanizing dictatorships, what can you do from thousands of miles away other than read the news and root for the IDF like a favorite sports team?

Signatures and petitions never feel like they accomplish anything tangible, and I always wonder where my name is going and who is seeing it, and how much spam I'll end up getting.

So what I've done a number of times in the past is send Israeli soldiers pizza.

Yeah, I know it sounds stupid. But hey, they need to eat. After all, an army moves on its stomach, right?

And more importantly, assisting them in stuffing their faces shows that we're thinking about them. About what they're up against. And that they're not alone. And besides, Jews are all about food anyway.

It really does make a difference. You even get to write a little note if you want- which they DO read. No, you're not gay if you're a guy and you write them a note. Enough pizzas and sodas to feed five of them only costs around 16 bucks. They actually have local shops deliver these things in an armored vehicle. Gotta protect those pizzas.

If you can help, I really would consider it a personal favor.

The world needs Israel. Trust me on this.

You wouldn't believe how many medical and technological advancements come from there. An Israeli recently invented a tiny, battery-operated underwater breathing apparatus, for example. You think the world gets this kind of progress out of Iran or Yemen? Okay, Egypt invented beer. I'll give 'em that.

Anyway, the website is pizzaidf.org.

Thank you, and whatever religion you are, let's all pray for some peace.

Hol(e)y Bacon

2006-06-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

I like ebay as much as the next guy. But this auction has got to be the most disturbing one I've seen yet. Do what you have to do to get the plug-in for their little video, because you'll want to see this.

Favorite Redneck Photo

2006-05-11T20:10:00.004-04:00

Credit where credit is due: Dave's World Famous Redneck Photos. You'll want to check it out.

It's been around longer than you think.

2006-05-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

Not exactly state of the art, but she'll still do a better job than Kinkos.

Copy Machine (first called a Rapid Duplicator): 1887.

The MP3: 1996.

Diet Soda: 1958.

First Oreo Cookie: 1912.

The Piano: 1709.

Roller Blades: 1979.

Velcro: 1948.

Camera: 1814.

Beer: 6000BC.

The Air Bag: First offered in an Oldsmobile in 1973.

Potato chips: 1853.

Fritos: 1932.

Ball Point Pen: Idea, 1888. Production, 1935.

The Pocket Calculator: 1967.

Electric Hair Dryer: 1890.

Lego: 1955.

The Microwave Oven: 1945.

The Silicon Chip: 1961.

The Sewing Machine: 1830.

Sun Tan Lotion: 1936.

The Electric Vacuum Cleaner: 1901.

The Zipper: 1892.

The Helicopter: 1907.

Batteries: 1799.

The ATM Machine: 1968.

UPS founded: 1907.

DHL founded: 1969.

FedEx founded: 1984.

Scotch Tape: 1930.

The Escalator: 1892.

The Credit Card: 1950.

The Printing Press: 1450.

The Touch Screen: 1974.

Wall Paper: 1675.

The Padlock: 1844.

The Spork: 1970.

Cotton Candy: 1900.

That clever round plastic thing that keeps pizza from touching the inside lid of the pizza box: 1985.

Spam at its lowest #5

2006-05-07T22:43:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, it's been a while. I've been busy with work and all kinds of excuses that probably aren't appropriate for markfeigenson.com. Speaking of inappropriate, I'm back for some more spam reporting. I know you like this stuff. Why? Because it's just senseless entertainment and reminds us of how many douchebags there really are in the world. If you can believe it, my other email inbox now has 2,870 new pieces of email-- a new record. Of course, some are totally legitimate - 3, to be exact. Here's a bunch from the other 2,867 with some honest commentary indicated by [ and ]. I've included the sender's name in a few cases, just to reinforce what pinheads they are.

-Save Thousands Rates are going up, lock in at historic lows, free application
[Dude- rates are no longer at historic lows. That was like 3 years ago. Further, I'm not impressed by your "free" application. You'll just try to rape me with some other administrative fee and call it something else.]

-From: dchakravortyy___You tried everything to fight away the Erectile Dysfunction: the best porno site...
[I did try everything. Including avoiding DUMBASS emails from "dchakravortyy". Nothing worked.]

-From: Wireless TV___Watch TV outdoors or in any room- You could get a Sony LocationFree TV on us!
[I want to thank you for informing me that I can watch TV in any room. I'm pretty sure the only pre-requisites for this are that a) the TV has to be able to FIT in the room, and b) it has to not be facing the wall.]

-From: The Lottery Tracker___Mark, This never happened before
[And I can say with 100% certainty that it's not going to happen now, either.]

-From: drk19344814___Asian girl gives blowjob
[Are you writing me from prison? I think you need to make your headlines a little more interesting, to compete with all the other scum.]

-From: Refinance___When it comes to refinancing, there really is no time like the present.
[Sure there is. Three years ago was a better time than the present. Besides, how about the 643 other times you sent me this same email? Is this no time like those were? I thought there was no time like then. Make up your mind, man.]

-From: BrianPurdy___With Penis Enlarge Patch she can use your dick as a huge toothbrush.
[This may be the funniest spam email I've ever gotten. Paints such a great picture. Kudos BrianPurdy, whoever you are.]

-1000's of Ringtones... On the House... Get Yours Now
[I was just thinking... what could I really use now.... ooh, I know, THOUSANDS OF RINGTONES, to annoy the FUCK out of me.]

-My black lingerie and spreaded asshole
[I love spam from foreign or stupid douchebags. They can't even get the syntax right, much less begin to interest me in something.]

For your wife’s last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erec...
[Let me understand this; you're going to SHAME me into buying your erectile dysfunction medication?]

Pulverize fattie plump pussy
[Maybe it's just me, but the last thing I'd think to do with a fattie plump pussy, is pulverize it, you know? Sounds painful. Why do that?]

Drop 12 pounds by Friday!
[All I'm gonna say is that I got this on a Wednesday. If I'm losing six pounds a day, I've got bigger problems than spam.]

Now is the time to upgrade with a Complimentary Sony VAIO Notebook computer!
[Wait-- what about the other 83 times you claimed it was the time to upgrade? At this point, why don't you just GIVE me the damn computer already so you can stop sending me this same craphole email every week?]

One of the funniest things I've ever seen

2006-04-28T17:32:00.000-04:00

can be found right here.

What the fuck IS this?

2006-04-07T00:06:00.000-04:00

Once in a while, I come across an item on ebay that has me completely mentally defeated. This is one of those items. If you can tell me what this thing is, I owe you one. In addition to the pictures, I've even included the simple clear description: "NOMURA TN3-L AUTOMATIC BAG OPENER PURCHASED IN 2003 AND USED VERY LITTLE LIKE NEW AND READY TO GO TO WORK INCLUDES ALL CONTROLS, AND WORK PLATFORM ITEM WILL SHIP WITH ALL MANUALS AND ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS." Okay, it's a bag opener. I can read. I still don't know what that actually means. Someone, somewhere, shed some light on this.

SOLD! to the ...well, I don't know who.

2006-03-31T01:14:00.000-05:00

You may notice that the link in my last post doesn't work anymore. That's because somebody bought me! Yay! Actually, that's not true. Well, yes, somebody did buy me, but that's not why the link doesn't work. The link doesn't work because I'm an idiot and can't quite figure out how to upload a completed auction file to a link. I know it can be done. But I don't have enough Nerd in my DNA to do it myself. That's all I'm sayin'. This is where my brother always comes in handy. Boy, you there? Anyway, to the person who bought the Mark Feigenson Cole-Haan ad which contains the canned ham I call a face, I say, who are you "nutzaboutnyc"? A fan? A stalker? an Ex? Reveal yourself!

You want a piece of me?

2006-03-15T16:26:00.000-05:00

It looks like Mark Feigenson is for sale after all. Apparently, a Cole-Haan ad I appeared in with my toys a while back is up for auction on ebay right now, for the bargain price of $9.99. So much for feeling like a million bucks. Check it out.

Spam at its lowest #4

2006-03-10T00:33:00.000-05:00

I get a lot of requests to respond to the best of the constant barrage of totally serious, yet presumptuously desperate spam emails I get in my other inbox. This time, 2083 new emails arrived in the past few weeks. Here's another sampling of the subject lines from the latest winners, with some commentary as indicated by [ and ].

•Arë yöu lööking to gët läid,guyz
[Wëll, nöw thät yöu subtlëly bypässëd my späm filtërs with yöur umläuts, I rëälly höpë thë girlz ärë wëäring liëderhösën]

•Amber Rain gags then gets hard anal then gags
[Why would she gag first, then gag again from anal? It just doesn't make any sense.]

•Generik Viagra lifts your penis as a huge crane.
[Ahh, the power of exaggeration using a metaphor. How clever!]

•Everest College Online, a better way to earn your degree
[Better than what? Iona College?]

•No batteries are required for our perfect Replica Classics watches.
[So, it's magic? Or they don't actually work? I think they probably just need to be wound up.]

•Praise God, wear a Heavenly T-shirt
[That's so sweet, but no thanks.]

•Notice: Loww mortagee ratee approved
[I'm really glad they got back to me. I almost forgot I was getting approved for a mortgage by a bank that can't spell the word.]

•Hairy asian college
[I may have to go back and click on this one.]

•Purchase best software while sitting on your chair.
[Whew, thanks for the suggestion. I would have thought you really need to be in an elevator or a bathtub to purchase the best software, you know?]

•New way to make your "friend" lil bigger
[Shh! I think they mean "penis", but I'm not positive.]

•By buying 180 pills, be ready for 15 free pills and free shipping as a bonus.
[Wow, a 9% discount. And free shipping? Can anyone truly be ready for a deal this good?]

•Say Goodbye to Baldness and Get A Gas Card On Us - Details Inside
[Boy, do they know how to cross-promote related products, or what? Say hello to your new PropeciaSunoco Card!]

Just Shoot It

2006-03-04T10:13:00.000-05:00

An Iraqi soldier on patrol near Baghdad yesterday, demonstrating my favorite kind of loyalty: brand loyalty.

Product placement is an important part of advertising these days. But I doubt Nike had this in mind.

My Brush With Nerd City.

2006-02-25T17:58:00.000-05:00

I've never considered myself a nerd.

What nerd does?

That didn't stop me from going to the Comic Convention at the Javits center. There, my good friend Jon used his uncanny superpowers to get us in for free, wherein I witnessed possibly the single greatest gathering of nerds ever assembled in the history of the world. Thousands of them. Teen nerds. Pimply nerds. My-pants-are-down-to my-knees nerds. Girl nerds. Grown-up man-nerds. Nerd families. Nerds walking around with Boba Fett costumes. Whatever kind of nerd you can drum up in your mind, there was a generous helping of them at this show. Anyway, I don't collect comics anymore, but I do collect vintage toys and thought there might be a few scattered around. No such luck.

All was not lost; amongst the many nerd-clusters, action-figure displays and giveaway racks, I managed to find the largest plastic bag I have ever seen with a handle. (Sidebar: it doesn't take much to make me happy.) Check out the beer I put next to it for size reference. Because when you're trying to establish size reference, what's the first thing you think of? A beer.

This bag was big. It still is. Notice how the corners don't even make it into the photo.

Got an extra washing machine laying around? Put it in this bag. Need somewhere to put those four winter tires from your SUV? Grab this bag. Looking for a place to store that armoire? Drop it in this bag. You're supposed to jam this tent with all the useless free crap they give away. Of course, then you can't lift it. Not their problem.

Mila Jovovich is supposed to be there too, signing autographs, and just standing around looking hot.

For me, she's the only thing at that show worth taking home in that bag.

T-Mobile Sucks. Here's why.

2006-02-22T11:06:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I couldn't say enough good things about the T-Mobile dealer where I got my new phone and number.

As I said, that was a few weeks ago.

I just got my T-Mobile bill and there are overlapping charges for the two numbers, even though the T-Mobile guy had my new number working within 3 minutes. I assumed that meant someone would take care of my old one. Apparently, according to the microscopic legal type on page 6847754939094 of my terms-of-service contract, I am responsible for proactively cancelling my old number, even though that reasonably should have been done by the dealer immediately, considering he told me he had to switch my number and sign me on as a new customer to get me the free phone. New number necessary means old number no good. Any idiot can see this. Well, he did indeed call to cancel my number, but not for a couple of weeks. Charges accrued.

And after being a T-Mobile customer for more than 2 years with no late payments, and spending half an hour waiting on the phone with two different T-Mobile customer disservice members while they 'researched' the problem, they wouldn't extend me the simple courtesy of removing the extra $20 charge. By the end of my new contract, I will have paid them more than $1,800 in total. Obviously, I'm not going to sign with them again. Which means they just threw away the next $1,800, over a lousy 20 bucks. Dumb asses.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hot, though.

The most talented musician you've (n)ever heard.

2006-02-20T19:15:00.000-05:00

His name is Dave Binder. He played a two-hour James Taylor tribute over the weekend to a crowd of about 200 at the Canalroom. He took us through some JT history, and explained lyrics along the way. It was deliciously entertaining and funny. I have a whole new appreciation of the song Mexico. It's not actually about what you might think it's about. Anyway, he sounded so much like James Taylor, it was scary. Hellen Keller would have been fooled. It was obvious that he's a highly-skilled and seasoned performer, too. He played flawlessly, dealing with a few excited fans in the front of the room from time to time, and a few loud fratboy douchebags in the back. Go see this guy if you get the chance. No, not the douchebags in the back of the room. That would be a waste. Go see Dave Binder.

You can check out his original CDs, or hear a sample of one of the JT songs at his site davebinder.com You will not believe your ears; that's him singing by the way, not James Taylor.

Way to go, Dave. Thanks for an unforgettable evening.

Spam at its lowest #3

2006-02-16T23:48:00.000-05:00

Back for some more spam reporting. My secondary email address has again overflowed with nearly 1,600 new emails in the past few weeks, pushing everything from Viagra (or rather, \/iaagra) to auto insurance to sex toys. Here's a sampling of the subject lines from the latest batch, with some commentary as indicated by [ and ].

*Online Mexican Pharmacy
[Pass. I don't even know how to respond to this one.]

*no job no money bad credit get a VISA CARD
[Remind me not to deposit my money in this particular bank.]

*Discover the latest Tender pussies split into pieces in crazy scenes of harsh unlimited violence and brutalness.
[Jesus. How they guessed my lifelong fantasy so accurately, is just beyond me.]

*Discover the latest Pregnant a king size tool entered her jade gate
[You know, I brought back a jade sculpture from China for my mother, but I don't remember it looking like a vagina.]

*Christian Homeowners, Rates Are Low Again
[And for all you Muslims, Jews and Buddhists, Rates Are Still Pretty High.]

*Want a watch as good as a Tag Heuer? Buy it here
[Wow, you guys have set the bar pretty high. No thanks, I'd like a watch that's better than a Tag Heuer.]

*You will be ready for sex every minute of your life with Soft Viagra.
[If I have to walk around with a boner permanently, that's gonna be a problem.]

*Asian swallows a horny stud
[So, she swallowed the whole guy?]

*Your 319.00 Check is ready.
[And we'll just need your credit card, social security number, and mother's maiden name to verify this.]

*She will be available for a date if you’re taking Viagra Soft Tabs!
[Ahh, remember when life was this simple?]

*Young lady teen masturbating in a park
[No, more likely homeless man masturbating in a park.]

*Cute Nude Amateurs Kissing & Drinking Piss
[Need barf bag. Now.]

SuperBowl IV. Yeah, that's right, I said IV.

2006-02-07T22:48:00.000-05:00

Sure, we just had SuperBowl 40. But I just had my fourth annual SuperBowl party. So for me, it was IV. Cut me some slack, would ya?

You might say it was another big success. We had about 50 people. Let me paint you a picture. Kate chauffeured me around the supermarkets of New Jersey in her monster truck. Brian brought his world-famous hotwings. Jon's wife Renee brought her home-made crab dip that was to die for (if I had made it, it would be to die FROM.) Elaine brought cookies. Rebecca made bacon-wrapped water chestnuts. They kicked ASS. Tammy made her ever-tasty onion dip. Gabrina made her cardiologist-approved deviled eggs. Who the hell makes deviled eggs these days, you ask? Gabrina does. Get over it. They're awesome. I ordered a Manganaro's 3-foot sub that serves roughly 600 people. Andrew, Dave, and Pilar did prop improvisation with various objects in my apartment. Massimo made coffee and humped at least three people on my couch all at once. I'm not sure, but I was told there was also a football game on tv. Thank you all for coming. Someone please send me some pictures.

My New Single-cell Cell Phone

2006-01-31T19:03:00.000-05:00

I have always had a mild loathing for people who walk around with high-tech gadgets, barking at the piehole. Particularly on a bus. I've fantasized about smacking said device clear off their head, if only to watch them quiver with surprise.

I am now proudly one of them.

My new cellphone. And proof that I'm a white guy.

My old cellphone shit the bed on Sunday and I found myself stranded, communicationless, unreachable, and totally helpless- within minutes. I loved that phone. The thing was barely two years old. And I only dropped it a few times. Of course, when I drop something, I lunge for it the way an overweight clown might, and end up flinging it 40 feet in the air.

Like a crack addict roaming around for another fix, I found myself scouring the West Side for T-Mobile dealers. I have no great love for T-Mobile, mind you, but I have to admit they've been decent. More importantly, Catherine Zeta-Jones is totally hot.

Two of the four T-Mobile dealers I visited were virtually 100% incompetent. In fact, if it's possible to be more than 100% incompetent, these folks fit that bill. They were drooling morons who, each in their own special way, demonstrated within seconds that they hated their jobs. The 3rd dealer I went to, to my surprise, was not only fully competent, but quite helpful. Unfortunately, his shitty phone selection looked like the toiletry aisle of a Russian supermarket. Christ, is everything in life a trade-off?

Just when I was thoroughly fed up and a mere nose-hair away from crawling back to Verizon, I found one last T-Mobile dealer. Fortunately for him, and for me, he was not only a great salesman - confident, knowledgeable, empathetic - but he had dozens and dozens of new cellphone models to choose from. Including the exact one I wanted. Finally, the best of both worlds.

I purchased arguably the smallest cellphone on the planet; the microscopic Panasonic that everyone seems to be fighting over. It's about the size of a Zippo lighter. I never realized how GIANT my fingers apparently are, but when I go to press a number, I end up pressing all the numbers around it too. I'll just use that NEEDLE it comes with to dial numbers. Anyway, within 3 minutes, the guy had my new cellphone working. And he was even able to dump the numbers from my old phone onto the new one.

So thank you, Mr. T-Mobile dealer! In my book, you are indeed authorized, just like all those signs say.

What have I learned here? That sometimes, you just have to learn to let go. It's the only way you can ever hope to become overly dependent on a whole new cellphone.

Are You Linkin' At Me?

2006-01-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I've finally learned how to create a link. It's a wonderful thing but I've been told they're often overused. And if I'm not careful, I could end up looking like a moron.

Raising [money in] Arizona

2006-01-16T22:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my brother's wife Suzanne ran a half-marathon with 33,000 people in P.F. Chang's Rock 'n' Roll Arizona Marathon & ½ Marathon. Her purpose: to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. A half-marathon is 13 miles, 193 yards.

I'd have trouble running 193 yards.

But she did it. In under 3 hours. She's been training for months, collecting dozens of sponsors along the way. Her goal was to raise $3,300-- but she raised nearly $5,000. She was also the only runner in her group to pick up a corporate sponsor: Volvo signed on.

A runner named Haile Gebrselassie ran in that race too. I'm not even sure he can pronounce it. I don't know if he raised any money, but he shattered two world records in that very race. He ran the half-marathon in 58 minutes, 55 seconds-- 21 seconds faster than the record he broke. He also beat the world record for 20 kilometers, which I think is a distance that's just shy of the half-marathon. He has a career total of 20 world records. And two Olympic gold medals, just for good measure.

Naturally, I asked Suzanne how many times during the race she and Haile were running neck and neck. Being the modest person she is, she said never. But after hours of searching through the dailies of this race, I managed to find this picture:

Dynamic Duo: At left, Haile Gebrselassie. At right, Suzanne.

Congratulations, Suzanne. You've done a really great thing for people who desperately need the help. I sure hope they appreciate you out there.

World's Dumbest News Headlines #1

2006-01-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

I found this today, roaming through msnbc.com:

"Blacks more likely to celebrate MLK day - poll"

Shocker!

Dad, you there?

2006-01-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

I just saw the Bodies exhibit down at the Seaport. You know, the one where they show all the organs and gross musculature that looks like pulled pork? Well, about half way through the show, you get to see what a bunch of lungs look like after a lifetime of smoking. You can imagine how black and diseased they were. I know you read this thing from time to time.

Please, for the bazillionth time, stop smoking.

The truth is,

2006-01-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

baked lays kinda suck.

virtually 100% of my mail is junkmail or bills.

if you get charged the wrong amount, you will be overcharged.
how often do you get undercharged?

it's been done. probably even a brilliantly original post like this.

if it was up to women to approach men at any social gathering,
the human race would end.

cab drivers never take anyone for a ride. they want you out of their cab as soon as possible so they can start that meter again at 3.50, instead of waiting for the 40c increments.

you will never get a raise if you don't ask for one. you won't necessarily get one by asking either.

there's no such thing as a mutual break-up.

Steven Segal is fun to watch, I don't care what anyone says.

Quizno's is way better than Blimpie or Subway.

my new year's resolutions last about a week.

I have no idea why I started a blog.

horses smell like ass, though you can never tell from watching a movie.

my friends and I giggled every time we heard the word 'come', until we were about 15.

I still own over 100 pounds of Lego.

I will never play the guitar as well as Jon Clarke.

some people honestly don't understand that it's wrong to not clean up after your dog.

almost nothing works out exactly the way you think it will.

when one door closes, another one does not always open. sometimes, the door slams shut. if your fingers don't get caught in that door, it's a good day.

the moment I can't come up with another idea, my career is over.

it's just a matter of time before we see two Starbuck's right next to each other.

anyone who says they don't like bacon is lying.

I'm tired of hearing black comedians joke about racism.

I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather live.

implants are nauseating.

you're not gay if you like John Denver.

honesty is not always the best policy. but it usually is.

women notice men's shoes for some reason.

Madame Toussaud's Wax museum is a pathetic waste of money. trust me on this.

I cheated on my college economics final.

my economics professor was a dufus.

SQUEE-Z-Pass.

2006-01-11T00:15:00.000-05:00

Christ, you'd think these were starving people in Uganda fighting over a bag of rice. It's a fucking toll.

The inbound NJ Turnpike toll can run as high as $3,600 per car, as demonstrated here.

Homos On The Range.

2006-01-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

I like men.

I just don't want to sleep with them.

Besides, to quote my friend Tammy, women are way too "squishy and fun." That said, we just saw Brokeback Mountain. I'm no Gene Siskel, but I know a good movie when I see one.

Ishtar is not that movie. Neither is Son of Mask. Brokeback Mountain is. I loved it. This is what happens when you put good actors, good stories, good writing, and a good director in a room together. Or on a mountain range. Good things just happen. If you haven't seen it, don't read on. Although I think we all kinda know what it's about by now.

The very talented wives, played by hotties Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway. Movie fact: Boobies were exposed for a mere 2.8 seconds in a film that is two hours and 14 minutes long. Why so stingy, Ang?

In case you're curious about the moving parts, here's a mini review, courtesy of Adam Sandel, of the Sentinel Film Writer.

Based on the short story by Annie Proulx, 'Brokeback Mountain' is the tale of ranch hand Ennis Del Mar [Heath Ledger] and rodeo cowboy Jack Twist [Jake Gyllenhaal] who spend a 1963 summer herding sheep on a remote Wyoming mountain. After struggling with the harsh environment and their physical and emotional isolation, the young men have a sudden, almost violent sexual encounter that neither of them understands. It grows into a tender kinship that must end with the summer as Ennis heads back home to marry his sweetheart Alma [Michelle Williams] and Jack heads back to Texas. The film follows the men through the years as Jack marries a rodeo queen Anne Hathaway and both raise families. A reunion four years later proves that their love has only deepened with time — but Ennis is convinced that much larger forces make it impossible for them to ever be together.

Ang Lee. Not really that hot, but a great director.

There were a few times I almost cried. Almost, okay? And it wasn't because I felt Ennis and Jack's burning, forbidden love tugging at my heart strings. I get it, that was the point of the movie. But I thought the writers and Ang Lee did a really good job demonstrating how far the pain spread, by making us understand the parents, the kids, and the wives too - particularly Michelle William's character - and what they were going through. The fishing rod that still had the tag on it after years of supposed use. The notes she left on the hook, that never got read. The little man-on-man trist behind their house that she happened to see. It's got to be hard enough for a woman to see her husband cheating the 'traditional' way. How do they feel when they see their husband making out with a fishing buddy? Hey, maybe it's just me, but a life with either of these women would have been pretty darn good. Of course, who wants to cuddle up to Michelle Williams when you can have a nice hairy man to keep you warm?

What I can't understand is why there's so much talk and other hoopla over Heath Ledger's absolutely unreal performance - which it was - and not a peep about Jake Gyllenhaal's - who actually had a more difficult role, I thought. This movie will win lots of Academy Awards, if not more. It's already cleaned up at the other award shows. And to think there are theatres across the country that will not show this movie because of the subject matter. I even read a blog that stated "no straight man will go to see this movie without prodding from his wife." That's just dumb. It's totally worth seeing.

By some odd coincidence, there was a large gay contingent sitting behind us led by none other than 'Jai', of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy fame. He also lives in my building. I see him walking his dog every now and then. One of these days, I'm going to casually ask him if I can get a 2-minute opinion of my apartment decor. Don't know what my opening line will be, but we have so much to talk about now, don't you think?

New Year's Eve: When Douchebags Everywhere Come Out Of The Woodwork.

2006-01-03T23:05:00.000-05:00

Thought it might be high-time for some good-old original writing, since I've been sprinkling my entries with so many forwards. I guess I could rant about the deafening $75-a-head, 300-person New Year's (read: fraternity) party I attended in Soho, but let's talk about my trip home, since that was more eventful.

I knew it would happen, but the transportation stars aligned in the worst possible way. It's hard enough to get a cab on New Year's Eve. Add a Saturday night. Mix in some bad weather. And what you have, my friends, is a mathematical certainty that you're not getting a cab. Not without a fistfight, anyway. At 2:30am, I counted around 10 people at every intersection with their arms up in Hitler-fashion, somehow believing that a taxi would actually stop for them.

So I took the L/R. The left/right. Okay, I walked. That joke works better when you slap your quadriceps as you say it.

Anyway, I don't think I was two blocks from the party on Greene Street, when I saw yet another person who was clearly drunk, actually fall on his face. We use the expression "falling on your face" metiphorically, but this guy really did it. It was a bloody mess. Some people rushed over to help him, while I stayed busy nearly puking all over myself from seeing what was left of his forehead. I wouldn't make a good doctor.

At left, the normal human brain. At right, severe microcephaly, common in 20- and 30-somethings, and brought on by New Year's Eve in Manhattan.

Then things got interesting. Have you ever heard the crunch of bones? Sure you have. Think back to the last time you ate lobster. At 9th Street by the PATH station, two guys and a girl got out of a cab. The girl must have put her left foot down a bit too close to the rear wheel as she got out. She was drunk. The cab driver wasn't paying attention. He pulls away. Her foot doesn't. You can imagine what happens next. Screaming. Yelling. Honking. Girl laying on ground. Boot stuck under tire. Men helpless as usual. Me nauseous again.

The thing is, I'm sure this sort of stuff happens every New Year's Eve. Heck, every day. But I couldn't believe the number of girls I saw on my walk home who were crying, wiping mascara off their faces in every conceivable direction. The number of couples who were screaming at each other. The number of people who were stumbling in the streets. Not to mention the ample minefields of barf. I know New Year's Eve is an emotional time for some reason, but let me ask this question: what the FUCK? Why do people have such a hard time getting a grip? It reminded me of Saint Patrick's Day or the Puerto Rican Day Parade; two of the messiest, most violent events in the city. I'd rather chew off one of my own legs than be here on either of those days. Anyone with me?

For six of the last seven years, my 'New Year's crew' and I have hosted our own New Year's party. And they're always good. A few people even came up to me at the party on Saturday and said our parties were better. So I guess in a way I've been sheltered from all this shit.

They say "The best defense is a good offense". Maybe I'll keep throwing those parties.

Hu Flung Pu? A Crash Course in Chinese.

2006-01-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

Happy 2006! Let me start by offending approximately 20% of the world's population. Seriously, I'm sorry about that. I'll just say that this forward is potentially funny the reverse way too. Well, Chinese folks might think it was funny, and most of us wouldn't give a shit. Hey, with over a billion people over there, chances are there's at least one guy writing a blog somewhere in Shanghai, doing that very thing. Ok, enough premature backpedaling. Just laugh.

That's not right...............................Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?..............Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man.....................................Dum Fuk

Small horse.....................................Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?.................Wai You So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table............Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

You need a face lift.........................Chin Tu Fat

It's dark in here............................Wai So Dim

Weren't you on a diet?....................Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a towaway zone..................No Pah King

I'm staying out of sight..................Ley Ying Lo

He's cleaning his vehicle................Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...............Yu Stin Ki Pu

Spam at its lowest #2

2005-12-30T00:59:00.004-05:00

I wanted to follow up on my last spam report from a few weeks ago. My old yahoo account has filled up yet again with an additional 1961 bulk emails, as well as 85 new emails in my inbox, 80 of which are spam. I picked a few special ones from the bulk folder that I thought you might enjoy. I have added some commentary, as indicated by [ and ]. Here they are:

*beauteous russian goluptious Gays here
[Wait, are they saying these Gays are both beauteous AND goluptious?
You just don't see those qualities in a man much anymore.]

*Longer 0rgasms is possible for you?You think no?You WRONG
[God, this one always makes me cry, it's just written so beautifully.
And to think I've been wrong all this time.]

*rreproachable Pennis present
[Wha?]

*dead, drunk mature lady fucking with young guy
[So basically, an old lady who was drunk and, um, DEAD, was fucking 'with' a young guy? Do I have this right?]

*Nominate yourself for a Certificate
[And give yourself a big raise too!]

*Mark, Shed LBS. with H00DIA-Gordonii
[Move over, Slimfast.... there's a new sheriff in town, named, er, H00dia-something.]

*Two gorgeous girls get analed
[I'm ashamed to say that while 'analed' is hardly a proper verb, I know EXACTLY what they mean.]

*For your wife’s b-day you want to make a sperm firework for her? Soft Cialis Tab...
[Isn't that what should happen on MY birthday? I can't help but think that on her birthday, she'd prefer a pair of diamond studs.]

*mark Enjoy a Free Louis Vuitton Purse and Wallet set!
[They finally get something right... they actually personalized this one, which is smart.
Then they ruin it with an offer that's simply not believable.]

*Cute teen slides a hog in her mouth
[This I would be willing to see.]

*Try Penis Enlarge Patch by yourself and tell your friend about it.
[I have no intention of trying a Penis Enlarge Patch, for starters. And if I did, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't tell my friends about it.]

*Mallory eats cock and fucks it
[So, somehow, Mallory can have her cock and eat it too, so to speak. I like the name Mallory. 'Member Mallory from Family Ties?]

*snarly old plumper snips crotch hole in her hose
[I'm definitely going to barf now.]

*Christian lenders compete to give you the best home loan
[Ahh, but do they compete to the death? Then, and only then, will I know they are fully committed to me.]

*Take fifteen hundred - pay us later
[Whew, $1,500... finally I can pay off my mortgage.]

*Stop the mockeries about your small dick.
[I can't get through an hour at the office without SOMEONE mocking my small dick. Make it stop!]